As you read the title of this blog post you are probably thinking to yourself, “what the heck does that mean?” But maybe I am wrong and you are just smarter than I am and knew already.
Well this idea is something I learned while reading the first chapter in one of my books for my Lifestyle Enhancement class.
Internal Locus of Control
This is the idea of having control or power over your own actions. Also meaning that “you are driven by your thoughts” and will state your opinions as well as be true to your beliefs.
I have probably spoke about this many of times, but with this upcoming paper we have to write for my class, it reminded me once again.
Oh who am I kidding, I always am reminded of my beliefs because I live in a society that is constantly trying to change one another.
I shouldn’t have to go through life feeling pressured to change who I am. Honestly, I CANNOT stand people who are the cause of this. My stomach gets sick just thinking about it and I get so angry.
I witness this a lot and it’s just ugly. I would love for people to embrace who people are instead of try to change them. It would also be nice to not be judged or left out based on the choices you make.
My biggest strength is my internal locus of control. I can’t stand up for those who give in to peer pressure because I cannot be their mother or choose for them, but I can write this post and let others know that it is okay to stand up for yourself and it is okay to not go with the crowd.
In fact I will let my guard down and show my vulnerability in things that have made me an “outcast” throughout my life. Or maybe things that have set me aside from others. Possibly even things other people judge me or talk about me for. While these may be imperfections in some eyes, they are not to me.
When I was little….
I had a huge gap in my teeth. To some this would be gross, but to me at that age gave me the pride of being able to shoot water the farthest through my teeth than anyone else.
I had extremely hairy arms. Each year of school I was constantly made fun of for it and boys told me my arms were hairier than theirs. This did hurt my feelings. I did take a stand and shaved them when I was in high school. But not for those who made fun of me, but for myself because I was sick of looking at them and I thought they were gross. I did that for me.
I got introduced to those with disabilities. These kids became some of my closest friends. Many of the other kids laughed at me for even talking to them, but I stood up for them and myself because they were my friends and I cared for them dearly. I didn’t care who saw me talking and playing with them on the playground.
When I was in middle school…
I got called “prude” a lot. Why? Because I didn’t feel it to be necessary to go to the back of the bus with a guy and make out with everyone watching. I didn’t feel I had to be forced to do something I didn’t want to do and I stood my ground and said no I didn’t want to. I dealt with that story and those words for the rest of the year.
The popular girls constantly made fun of me. Telling me I didn’t know how to wear make up. Was that true? No, they just needed something to insult me about and that just happened to be an easy target for the day perhaps.
I went through the whole “black” stage. I am not proud of this and regret and cringe thinking about that time of my life. However, I didn’t care at that time what people thought I looked like. It wasn’t pretty, but I didn’t know back then. I still got made fun of but I was trying to find myself and I stood up for who I was at that point in my life.
My closest friends got caught with drugs at school. I had no idea they even did drugs, but had suspicions when asked to be a part of it. I said no and lost those friends who I cared dear about.
When I was in high school…
I sucked at running. Each year I was in the group of the slowest girls. I looked beyond that and brought the team spirit to the team and made everyone feel they had a place of importance no matter what speed they had.
My freshman year of sprinting I started having leg pain. I remember specifically telling the head track coach that my legs hurt and something was wrong. She told me my legs were fine and to keep running. I quit track after that and didn’t go back.
I didn’t have my first kiss until high school. I was a bit behind compared to everyone else and got made fun of, but I was proud of it. I wanted to wait until there was a guy worth it. Of course when it came it was more pressured with the time and the place but that’s a whole’ ‘nother story.
None of my coaches believed I had leg problems throughout my whole running career in high school. They thought I was faking. I will never forget the day I showed up with 3 incisions in each leg and having to relearn to walk. The words that came out of their mouth “Oh, I guess that is a good reason not to run.”
As I am in college….
The same coach that told me my leg pain was fine my freshman year told me I will never be fast. I refuse to let anyone get in the way of my goals and will show her otherwise.
I get outcasted because I don’t drink. I’ve been pressured to drink but have stood my ground. People may not realize the actions or the things they say but I never want to feel or be in that situation that I once was in. I also don’t want to be discluded because I don’t drink.
The funny thing is, is that I do drink now, I just don’t drink to get wasted. I also want to be an example to let others know that they aren’t the only ones who don’t drink and can have someone else there so they don’t feel alone like I have before.
I have a lot of guy friends. I also get along better with guys. This does not mean I am trying to steal your boyfriend or want to be with him. I will continue to fight to have my friends because they are mine.
I still am one of the slow ones in college when it comes to running, but I refuse to let that get to me and know that my day will come. I will continue to get better and it may not be until after college that I truly peak.
These are just the many times where I haven’t felt the part, or haven’t been accepted for who I am. These are the things that break me down but I continue to fight and stand back up.
I just want those reading to think about the things that break you down and know that you can push through and stand up for what you do believe in and be who you truly are and not who others think or want you to be.
Q: What are some of your beliefs that some people just don’t accept?
Q: Have you ever been in the same situations I have?
Q: Will you work on your internal locus of control?